| i had to see relive memories just to get this stupid thing back |
[15 Jun 2008|06:44pm] |
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mood |
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you say you call people that you shouldn't,
why does it have to be me?
i wish everything about me could be left to imagination.
all i allow you to judge is my voice.
and it's already begun to tremble.
i promised you the world, and only got a chance to show you the blue prints
to a happy ending.
moving away from those familiar streets,i thought would clear my head,
distract me from that awful feeling of nausia and deception.
it's just introduced me to an entirely different level.
i don't know why i'm doing this to myself.
maybe i just miss loving you.
or maybe i'm just lonely.
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| my first week home... |
[16 Aug 2007|02:01am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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and my hearts been broken.
i lent him my heart, and i thought he handled it well.
i gave it too him the next day as a present.
i thought he liked it.
he handed it back with a smile, and a kiss on the cheek.
i could feel the same way about you....etc.
its not you,
its me.
and it ended with my heart being shattered across these poorly swept halls.
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[04 Mar 2007|09:12pm] |
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i love that ive taught myself to hate.
i hate that ive forgotten how to love?
i go back tomorrow.
and go home in less then a month.
i dont know what to do.
i dont care.
i'll just go with the flow.
i hope it takes me somewhere beautiful.
if not,
i'll just drown.
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| atl.... |
[02 Mar 2007|07:57pm] |
im in atlanta, but it still doesnt feel like home.
I don't think i will ever find it.
I went soul searching.
like hell that worked.
I still don't know what to believe.
I don't know why my uncle died without saying goodbye.
i just recieved room service, but i still wont allow myself to eat.
therapuedic boarding schools just arent my thing.
I have a boy, but he's nothing comparred to what i'm used to.
He walks me to class, and kisses me at night.
i don't think i could fall in love with him.
maybe i have.
maybe i'm disgusted by the thought.
so lets not think about it.
I have my best friends back, its comforting.
I found out something about someone i once cared(care?) about.
getting sick is bad.
but, i wont lie, i'm a fan of blow too.
room service is bugging me so i guess i'll take a bite.
It dosent matter...
i'll just throw it up any ways.
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[19 Jun 2006|12:22pm] |
today is a better day i guess.
mondays just suck in general.
has anyone ever heard of the band the freeze?
i like em alot haha.
PEACE.
p.s.
3/4ths of the females in fort lauderdale and boca are really fuckin ugly. minus my friends.except jordan. but thats just because hes a flaming homosexual and im as homophobic as they come. yeah thats it.
P.S.S.
HOLY SHIT jordan btw i saw something in a local mag something about samuel jacksons SNAKES ON A PLANE...i saved it for you hahahahaha!!!
Me: "wheres my coke?"
You: "....no"
august is gonna be insane when im home for like 2 weeks.
get ready.
bitches.
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[16 Jun 2006|08:27pm] |
i have given up completely. and thats the beauty of it.
i have nothing to live for,
so i just go on waiting for something to happen to me worth holding onto. thats only happened once, and i cant even hold a relationship, how the fuck am i going to make it through life. i will, somehow, by the skin of my teeth, but i wont trust the people around me who tell me they love me because hate and love are both 4 letter words, and use the same emotion to survive.
i hate the people who ive loved, and i can count those people, or person, on one hand.
my days are hollow, and im sick of the people who i spend my day revolving around.
im not saying every day sucks, maybe one day the sun is shinning and none of my past crosses my mind, everything thats happening seems in order and positive, but then reality hits. im really not a special person, i dont deserve my own place in the universe, amungst the stars. reason im trying to forget all that i am, and all that ive been. by just erasing everything from my life and become a walking void.
=/
p.s.
today sucked.
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| the last time shes the topic of conversation |
[13 Jun 2006|12:36pm] |
BlackLungFever00: I dunno. the way I look at it, if something is that easy to take from you, you didnt really have it in the first place.
BlackLungFever00: I know you love carla, but you gotta think about whether she felt the same way.
chaosukkk: oh i think about that alot
chaosukkk: i doubt she felt the same way
BlackLungFever00: then you should be glad its over.
chaosukkk: i am glad its over, i just dont like the way it ended because i look like the weak one
chaosukkk: and i dont love her anymore, that thought makes me sick to my stomach. who can love someone so hollow? so lacking of true emotion
BlackLungFever00: actually, in my mind, she looks like the weak one because shes the one who ran away from the best thing she ever had.
chaosukkk: ..........
chaosukkk: youre amazing.
12:38] chaosukkk: im glad their moving to orlando
[12:38] chaosukkk: its like...them being erased from my memory
I MISS ALL MY FRIENDS AT HOME SO MUCH!
this shit hole is beginning to get on my nerves
haha
PEACE!
justine...all i can think of is how FUCKED UP were gonna get when i get home!!!
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[12 Jun 2006|08:22pm] |
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betrayal is something i guess ive got to get used to.
my lifes and mess, and i cant fix it.
nor do i have the strength or energy to at least try.
what do i have to work for?
is there someone there telling me that they are there for me? constantly loving me through thick and thin?
no, ive never had that.
ive lied to myself, time and time again, thinking i had something grand, when it was just another illusion straying myself from ever accomplishing anything.
i dont have a will to survive any longer. no will to survive achievement, no will to survive success.
i want to be low, worthless and scrounching around for the bits and scraps from the rich and famous, only to be comfertable with the way ive become accustomed to living.
there is no motivation.
there is no happy ending.
i was never in a fairytale with you.
stop forcing these thoughts into my head that it ever worked.
youre just another betrayal and heartache to add to my list.
dont bother with your words of encouragement,
ive already decided i want to do nothing with my life.
p.s.
my day sucked.
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[08 May 2006|01:06pm] |
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music |
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ridin dirty hahaha |
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fuck this shiitttt.
i miss everyone at home, and its a bitch to keep in contact from here. im pretty sure everyones getting along just fine without me being there, but whateverr.
anything you thought about all girl boarding schools, 3 somes in librarys and sneaking into each others dorms.....is kinda true.haha
crazy shit.
but yeah, id give it all up to be back home.
i hope everyones lives are turning out as planned, and relationships are maintaining through hard times. everyone ive known, and grown to love deserves the world.
if you wanna get the number to my school, im pretty sure jordan has it..so get in touch with him lol.
if you have a memory with me,
i miss you
-cat
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[14 Apr 2006|10:52am] |
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music |
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go sailor- ray of sunshine |
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Well, you cant understand how bored I get during the day without the majority of the girls here. God I miss them. Ive gotten over the fact that I hate sleeping by myself but I still do miss jenn and laura. I miss elle. There isent a day that goes by without the occational sigh outburst when its almost unbearable to not have her here.
It also seems a lot quieter without Amanda waking me up at 6:30 in the morning to tell me that shes going to s&t’s today. I went there the other day…not that glamorous…youre also lucky eric wasent there…I would have kicked his ass lol. Cause that’s just the kinda person I am. =)
2 days until everyone comes home..i mean…back to school…. THANK FUCKING GOD!
Amy and Christine have been non-stop-fighting for days. And amy just comes to me when she needs to ‘calm down’
in my life time..ive had my share of bitching girls. So LEAVE ME OUT OF IT PLEASSSEE!
-p.s.
And ive come to realize that…it is possible to hate someone with everything you have.
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[04 Apr 2006|10:39am] |
well, im finally in boarding school. they finally had the guts to send me away.
good riddance.
there are some pluses to being sent away.
the OBVIOUS heartbreak and drama at home kinda pushed me into begging my parents to send me away.
but yeah,
its alright here, in north carolina.
grades are good, depression is a minimum unless theres some circulating drama throughout the girls. ugh.
im bored. i miss jordan. i miss everyone back at home.
like..SERIOUSLY.
i wont be going home for spring break, so stop having your hopes up.
and i can only check my e-mails once a day, so heres my e-mail
sinksinkthecity@hotmail.com
and i can go on AIM once a day too,
s/n- apatheticcatt
peace
love
-cat
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[15 Mar 2006|02:33pm] |
i'm sorry.
to everyone i lied to
to everyone i hurt
to everyone that loves me
i'm leaving for boarding school tonight and i cant even say goodbye to everyone.
i didnt think it would really happen...
for me to be torn away from everyone that kept me standing.
please dont erase our memories.
i guess i'm aloud to visit on holidays and whatnot.
i'll have ways of contacting you. so please, for my benefit, comment me with your numbers.
this hurts guys, m sorry
bye
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[15 Mar 2006|04:23am] |
wow guys, i really apologize for the last BILLION other updates in my livejournal. no wonder no one comments, they were just all endless rants about something stupid.
or someone.
butttt eric invited me to his st. pattys day party and im goin with paul and sam. i will most likely be spending the nite out there. sounds like fun? i thought so too.
i need to get together with alot of friends..im afraid their meaning will start fading.
i got my nostril pierced, props to kayla, and i HAVE to give krys props for dealing with my death grip. lol.
i dont really know what to update, its 4:30 in the morning and grant just signed off =p
and this playlist has been playing for days
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[03 Mar 2006|07:26pm] |
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music |
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horrorpops-julia |
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alrighty soooooo the phalanx are on their way overr and so are stefanie and chris. tonights gonna be fun. lol. GO ON A BEER RUN FOR MEEE!
=p
then i think missy is comin over too. its seriously, a block party.
i wish i had a visitor on my sick day home.
i had to go to the hospital this morning because my throat was bleeding and i was in so much pain..
i was put on perscription codine. =/
besdies everything going planned and smoothly today, and loads of friends wanting to hang out with me...
i still wish i could cancel all my plans and hang out with you agian, like old times.
i think carrie is comin over around 10 too.
blah blah blahhhhhh.
im tired.
i cut myself bangs again.
the side swoop was agitating me.
i dont like being a mean person.
i dont like yelling.
i dont like backing people into corners.
but god damnit..STOP HURTING MY FEELINGS!
it doesnt make me feel to good.
i just wanted to know if you had a place to stay last night.
i found out you did, so whatever.
-cat
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[03 Mar 2006|01:41am] |
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Having decided her life was in need of much consideration, Cathryn finally closed her eyes and drifted off into another dreamless, sleep. Screaming prayers to everyones problem solver, as they only get worse.
I think im only writing to myself each night, recapturing these thoughts as if im sending them to someone else, who offers to help me sort out my fears.
Thank you mr. situation solver,
by any chance, can you erase memories?
there are a few i would like to hold dear,
to get me threw the hardest times of my life,
but others that have been the hardest times.
those are the ones i want gone.
I want to be a stronger individual who has this immense passion to succeed on without you.
i'm not the same little girl my dad threw birthday parties for,
i'm not the same defenceless little girl in the passenger seat of my abusive mothers car,
i'm not a victim of verbal abuse that i suffered for so many years,
i'm not a fan of being under-appreciated,
i'm not ready to see the morning come,
i'm not really sure whats going through my mind right now.
maybe i want someone to call me and ask how my day is going,
i'd lie, just to keep the hope that they really care.
My day was amazing.
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[02 Mar 2006|07:26am] |
im going to be taking a break from livejournal for-while.
i honestly dont have any passion to write down the same shit everyday.
blah blah im failling school
sam can talk to me about anything, and somehow makes it make sense.
everyone told me she was a mistake,
they are wrong.
she fucks up, again and again and again and etc..
but everyone should have a friend.
hurry up and get one,
so i can fuck with your head too.
i appreciate our talks that catch me up on recent events, and some not so recent events...
but id prefer if you keep the truth on holt, lie to me.
tell me you still care.
on another note, im going to school with 102 fever, and my throat bleeding,
fiend smoking cigarettes, heartbreak, and failure is cats way of life.
To carla:
i hope i see you today after school.
if not, i'll just see you around i guess.
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[27 Feb 2006|09:03pm] |
today sucks really bad.
my uncle had a heart attack at the airport..which really made me sad.
really made me think.
you never know when your life could end.
you could have your time to grow old,
or you could die from a car-wreck.
and this is why i take walks on the wild side.
im hoping it comes soon.
night darlings.
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[26 Feb 2006|05:22pm] |
today was funnn. ive decided im getting a new kitten, his name will be gizmo. hes part siamese and part something else. he survived hurricane katrina and im buying him with missy and diana. lol. by the way, i was out today from noon till like 5 driving, and honestly, i should have my lisence. i feel bad for carla, since she fell and got stitches. i wish we could hang out like the old days, when i would take the bus and know the the streets to her house, the street passed the white picket fence, and be horrified of the ticks on her porch.i could paint a picture of your room, i remember every thing and every detail.
whoops, didnt mean to go on another rant.
but um, i hung out with diana and missy all today. decided i wanted a kitten, got diana a new bellyring, chilled at missys house, anddd we're amazing.
im home, bored, tired, and hungry. come hang out with me.
p.s.
carrie dont hate me, im a safe driver
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[26 Feb 2006|09:19am] |
well yesterday was fun! i woke up around 8 and called jordan, he wasent doing anything so i took my moms car and we drove around all day until about 2:30. doing amazing things and having people yell at me for driving insanely. then i chilled home until sam, mike, and paul DECIDED to get there ass over here to pick me up, lol. then we went and picked up erica. came back to my house and had an amazing time. the night ended around roughly......2am.
-today i wanted to preserve my day for a girl, but for some reason i'll use my weekend minutes for someone who takes the kind gestures i do for them to heart. and dosent think they should just come with the 'cell phone plan'.call if you want to.
-i was gonna pick missy up from work, and then pick up jordan and chill. but im not sure.
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